BARE BONES: MADAME WEB (2024)

MADAME WEB (2024)

Marvel comic-based flick is another attempt by Sony to make a Spider-Man movie without Spider-Man. This flick is sort of a prequel as it takes place in 2003 and focuses on EMT Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson) whose mother died giving birth to her after being fatally wounded hunting a rare spider in the Peruvian jungle. Cassie has a near death experience herself and suddenly finds she now has clairvoyant abilities. She keeps having visions of three young woman (Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced and Celeste O’Connor) who are being stalked by a masked man with spider-like powers and strength. Soon she discovers that the mysterious figure is Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), the man responsible for her mother’s death, and vows to stop him and save his three intended targets.

Cassie Webb lives up to her name as she finds herself and three girls in a web of intrigue and danger!

Comic book film is directed by S. J. Clarkson from her script along with Matt Sazama, Claire Parker and Burk Sharpless with Kerem Sanga also assisting with their story. As one can guess from all the names attached the flick is a bit of a mess. There are some solid action scenes and Johnson makes for a very likable lead as Cassie, as does Sweeney, Merced and O’Connor make for endearing future super heroines. It’s just the script and story are all over the place and Tahar Rahim makes for an extremely dull and uninspired villain as Sims. The attempts at connecting this with Spider-Man, by including future Uncle Ben (Adam Scott) as Cassie’s EMT partner and introducing Peter Parker’s future mother Mary (Emma Roberts) fall flat and feel forced. It certainly doesn’t help either that the Groundhog Day-like elements employed here to illustrate Cassie’s abilities grow tiresome quick as they are overused. It’s not as bad as its reputation suggests but a convoluted script and story, plus a director who can’t really bring it all together, makes a tangled web out of what might have been a good movie. Worth a look when it hits Netflix on 5/14/24 but keep expectations low.

-MonsterZero NJ

Photo: Sony Pictures.

BARE BONES: APRIL APOCALYPSE, DRACULA UNTOLD and PARANORMAL DIARIES: CLOPHILL (2013)

APRIL APOCALYPSE (2013)

I try to champion the indie filmmaker whenever possible but found very little to like about this incredibly derivative little movie. In a plot we’ve seen countless times, a dork (a bland Reece Thompson who also produced) falls in love with the hot girl next door (Rebekah Brandes from Midnight Movie) but, is too afraid to let her know how he feels. A horrific event…in this case a zombie outbreak…gives him the opportunity to find the courage to find and rescue her and be a hero. The film is just so familiar and is trying way too hard to emulate so many better movies, it’s annoying…and not to mention a bit smug. It’s like the makers saw Zombieland one too many times, as that’s the film it blatantly copies in it’s style most of the time. I wouldn’t mind the familiarity, though, if it was done inventively or in a refreshing way but, it’s not. And even at barely over 80 minutes the film stops dead…pun intended… for long dialogue scenes that go nowhere and don’t further the story. As directed by Jarret Tarnol and written by Brent Tarnol (who also stars as the stereotypical stoner Stevenson) this flick is sadly a chore to sit through, even though well under 90 minutes. At least Brandes is cute to watch as April. A disappointing effort that somehow got Aliens’ Mark Rolston and comedian George Lopez involved in small roles.

DRACULA UNTOLD (2014)

It’s not that Dracula Untold is a badly made movie, it’s just that it’s a ridiculous one. Director Gary Shore movies things along well enough and the film looks good but, the story by Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless is just plain silly. Tale takes the true-life character of Vlad Tepes (Luke Evans) and thus the fictional vampire that is based on him and turns him into a superhero. Vlad’s kingdom is threated by the Turks who demand a thousand of his people’s children, including his own son. He seeks help from an old vampire (Charles Dance) living in a mountain cave to bestow him with his power so, he can save his people. He has three days with this power but, if he gives in to the blood thirst, he will remain a vampire forever. Vlad then goes up against thousands of soldiers like a gothic X-Man with the powers of bat control. It’s ridiculous. It takes one of literature and film’s greatest villains and turns him into Batman…literally. As an action movie it passes the time but, as a telling of the story of Dracula, it’s a silly movie that sadly had an interesting concept at it’s core with it’s origin of the legendary count.

PARANORMAL DIARIES: CLOPHILL (2013)

On one hand, Kevin Gates and Michael Bartlett’s found footage film is inventive in using a real life location  suspected of occult and paranormal activity, the ruins of St. Mary’s Church in Clophill, England and real interviews from witnesses. On the other hand though, they forget to make the film the least bit scary. The flick comes across as some random episode of some random ghost hunting show and as in those shows, very little actually happens amidst all the talk and conjecture. The film is only 88 minutes long and it isn’t until the 1 hr 17 min mark that something that could be considered even remotely scary happens. Seriously! Then the film climaxes ominously and quite open for a sequel. It’s a long-winded build-up with no real pay-off. Technically an 80 minute wait for the last 8 minutes which seems to only exist to set-up another movie to come. For the most part, an interesting idea squandered on a boring movie. Too bad. The mix of real-life history and paranormal thriller could have been fun if the makers knew what to do with it.