HORROR YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED: CABIN FEVER (2016)

CABIN FEVER (2016)

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I’m not the biggest fan of Eli Roth’s original Cabin Fever. The combination of horror elements and really goofy humor didn’t mix well, killing any tension it tried to build and the homages to his influences were way too obvious and intrusive. It still managed to be moderately entertaining and at it’s core was a good idea.

This might be one of the most pointless remakes in the current trend, not only using the original’s script, but dumbing it down even further. So, yet again we have five twenty-somethings going to a remote cabin and contracting some kind of flesh eating virus from a weird homeless guy living in the woods. Panic and paranoia set in and so do stupid antics by our main characters.

Roth’s script is adjusted a bit, for the worse, by Randy Pearlstine and directed lifelessly by someone named Travis Z. It becomes just a series of dumb behavior by the characters who do the stupidest possible things during this viral outbreak. Having sex, despite being supposedly terrified of contracting it and constantly putting themselves in the proximity of blood from the infected, are just a few of the moronic things these folks do. The scene where the homeless guy gets set on fire by the five dumb-asses is so clumsily staged, that you can’t believe what you just saw. Is this a student film? Note to stupid yuppies…don’t lament setting a guy on fire when you doused him with lighter fluid to begin with, that’s kinda what happens. Yes, the film is filled with that kind of blatant stupidity that the only person you feel bad for is the first contractee Karen (Gage Golightly), mostly because she shares your contempt for the rest of them. You are almost rooting for this bunch to melt away, they are such unlikable idiots. And don’t get me started on the gun that only fires when convenient. Travis Z’s attempts at Roth-like humor also fail miserably, though they are thankfully few and far between and the gore isn’t any more inventive than it was last time around. At least I did like Kevin Riepl’s score.

Awful movie, a complete waste of time and one of the most pointless remakes ever made…and Roth produced it! Also stars Alexandra Daddario’s brother Matthew, Samuel Davis, Dustin Ingram and Nadine Crocker as the other four ill-fated morons.

-MonsterZero NJ

1 and 1/2 pancakes cause even that stupid bit is recycled.

HORROR YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED: THE ASYLUM (2015)

THE ASYLUM (2015)

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Marcus Nispel’s abandoned asylum horror has gone through more than one name change, It started out as Blackmask, then became Exeter and now has settled on the generic The Asylum…for now. The film tells of the long abandoned Exeter Asylum where mentally disturbed children were brought for care and rehabilitation. The place became more of a house of horrors and after a fire, was shut down. As the structure is being slowly emptied out for refurbishing, a group of youths decide to hold a rave inside. As this is never a good idea, those remaining in the building the following morning, are locked in by a vengeful spirit and suffer a horrible ordeal of possession and gruesome fates. Will any escape alive?

Nispel, who directed remakes of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday The 13th and Conan The Barbarian, delivers a goofy, dumb, but actually kind of fun horror from his script with Kristen Elms. There is nothing we haven’t seen before, but Nispel knows it and just goes with it. The result is a silly but fast paced and very gory 90 minutes that can be entertaining if you just go along with the blood spattered chaos. Nispel presents his story with a serious tone…and with some atmosphere…but throws every possession/haunted asylum trope he can at you and showers it in blood and gore. It’s far from a classic and we are very familiar with the story elements, so there are little actual scares or any real intensity about it, but it is energetic and unapologetic…and that helps make it fun. Nispel has always had a strong visual sense, so it looks good and the gore and make-up FX are quite well executed. As with many horrors of this nature, expect characters to do dumb things to make the situation worse or put themselves in harm’s way and Nispel especially seems to have fun with this ‘tradition.’

As for the cast…veteran Stephen Lang is the priest who ran the asylum, Father Conway. He is appropriately mysterious and only appears in the beginning and then in the last act. A paycheck job, probably, but he gives it his spooky all. Other than Lang we have an attractive and adequate cast of relative unknowns. Our leads are Kelly Blatz cutting a fine but reluctant hero as Patrick and pretty Brittany Curran as our heroine with a touch of mystery, Reign. The supporting actors, Gage Golightly as Amber, Brett Dier as Brad, Michael Ormsby as Patrick’s brother Rory, Nick Nicotera as Knowles and Nick Nordella as Drew, are all fine in their parts as party animals at a party gone very wrong. As angry spirit fodder they all do their jobs efficiently.

So, in conclusion, I had a fun time with this. To a degree it’s not an overly good movie and certainly not very original. It does have a good time, though, with the familiar elements of it’s unoriginal story and approached from a certain viewpoint, can be a lot of fun because of it. The cast are all serviceable, the film does have a disturbing look and feel to it and splatters the screen often with gore and body parts when not possessing it’s attractive young cast with evil entities. Good movie?…not in a strictest sense. A fun movie…yes!

-MonsterZero NJ

2 and 1/2 haunted honies.